2020 is the year of chaos. Sometimes I wonder if I’m in some sort of horror movie! As each day goes, there’s just been an interesting turn of events. However, I have learned so much about myself over the past months. In the past (about nice years ago), I got in a horrible car accident and came out of it with not a single scratch. I was very lucky to be alive. I had always felt like it was divine intervention and for sure my angels were protecting me. I was left with bad anxiety whenever I drove. I eventually got over it. When I was 30, I started dealing again with getting bad anxiety whenever I drove. At that time I was seeing a life coach who helped me with my anxiety…only to a certain extent.
Flash forward to the present…my anxiety really took a turn on me again! With so much shit going on and intense energies, my anxiety started up again. First it started out when I was driving and thought seriously? I tried to not think about it and just pushed it away. When I was walking Cody, I started to feel my heart race and felt like I couldn’t breath. I didn’t want to acknowledge that I had anxiety. How can I have anxiety? I’ve been doing so much of the work (or I thought I was) with spiritual and energy type modalities, there’s just no way I have anxiety. I figured out of sight out of mind. Well the more I did that, the more it got worse.
One day I broke down and cried to Brandon. I felt so embarrassed admitting I had anxiety, but at the same time I felt so relieved that I spoke up about it. I needed to be true to myself, realizing that I am not perfect. All this time I had been spiritually bypassing. I made the first step by calling a therapist, Audrey Newmont. I never would have thought I would be seeing a therapist and it helped me so much. I discovered my anxiety was not from my bad car accident, it was actually a built up of being a yes woman and doing things I don’t want to do. I am too nice and don’t like hurting people’s feelings or I feel obligated to do certain things. I do not put myself first enough or honor my feelings or speak up. It was time that I took my power back and that it’s okay to say NO. If I don’t want to do something, I don’t have to do it. No more obligation or worrying about who’s feelings are getting hurt. I am not honoring how I feel by being a people pleaser. All of these years (I’m talking about this going back to childhood) I had been suppressing this…no wonder I had so much anxiety building up! I literally was a ticking time bomb!! When I realized this, I seriously felt like a massive weight was lifted off my chest.
On a trail run when I was going up a hill, I randomly thought when has someone really asked how I’m doing or feeling? I’m not talking about the typical “Hey how have you’ve been” or the “oh no! There’s no toilet paper again, you need anything?’ I’m talking about the “Hey how are you doing, are you okay mentally. Do you need to talk or vent?’ There’s just so much crap going on in our daily lives where we do not ask fellow friends or family how they have been dealing with their lives during this chaos. Believe me, just expressing how I felt and acknowledging my feelings really did help alleviate the anxiety. Having someone listen and talking to you goes a long way.